Mgwah. Arghplffft. Nrwwwwor. Mmmmmrrrrgggghhhaaaaaahhhhh. KILL ME NOW!!
That's exactly how I feel about the last two books I have read. Graeme Swift's Last Orders and Michel Houellebecq's Atomised. White elephants on my coffee table, my eyes would begin to bleed each time I opened their pages. I grew to despise their colourful covers, to loathe their gold-embossed pretentious spines. They mocked me quietly with their questions like 'Only one page this week Heather?' or 'I won the 96 Booker Prize mmm-mmm'. After this last remark, I left Last Orders on the tube only to have the commuter behind scramble after me with it, it then smugly slotted back into my bag. Ta.
But - trooper that I am - I continued to claw my way through each of them, page-by-page, paragraph-by-paragraph even though my brain would emit shrill alarms thought the duration, making comprehension nigh-on impossible. And I finished them eventually, sliding them conclusively back into their spot on the bookshelf (ignoring Atomised’s musing that skim-reading hardly qualifies as proper reading). This is where they shall live out their days gathering dust, until a book cull is called for and then they will be first to walk the plank… What? What’s that Last Orders? Pass you on to more thoughtful readers? Oh you’d like that wouldn’t you? Hmmmm…. Well let me ask the Lord of the Bookshelf what she thinks…oh wait! I AM Lord of the Bookshelf, and I say the only place you might end up besides the bin is in my FIREPLACE! Mwa ha ha ha HAAAAA!!
Sorry. I do actually feel better for that.
I wonder why I persist with novels I am not enjoying. Who cares that a couple of critics and wannabe philosophers think it is good. I never feel any better having finished one of them, there is no great feeling of triumph or accomplishment, and it’s not expanding my tastes and interests whatsoever. All I get is a sense of relief and oh-my-god-lets-just-start-a-new-book-right-now-so-I-can-erase-that-ordeal-from-my-mind. To have ‘the knowledge’ perhaps? Well, on the chance that I am called to discuss them at some point in the future (estimated maximum occurrence: twice in my lifetime) – I doubt I’m going to have any recollection beyond the fact that I hated it (and defer to the point that other people would probably ‘get it’ more than me).
But such is the life of a book reader. You take the good with the bad. It’s slightly sad to say, but I never choose books on a whim and that the choice of the next book is almost always well thought-out and researched. And- if I say so myself - for the most part, I’m pretty inspired at making these decisions. So it’s pretty unfortunate luck that I should pick two clangers in a row. But perhaps it is good luck because as a result I have decided that from this day forth if I don’t like any novel by the half-way point, it’s getting put down. Life’s too short; there are too many books on my bookshelf.
What’s next? I’m going to Matthew Reilly. He’ll make it allllll better.
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2 comments:
Heather. Do yourself a favour and watch some TV instead of (ok, haha, just kidding) "to complement" your reading material.
I suggest you start here:
www.bazuraproject.com
What is it? It is the funniest, nerdiest movie show on Australian TV, and yes it is on Channel 31 (plug, plug).
It is gold. I suggest you start with "Great Scott, It's the final episode opening sequence." Just remember, these dudes ain't getting paid in nothing but glory and they managed to create this. Then go back and watch their other opening sequences too. Incredible (for a nothing budget).
Ok. That's it, that's the good bit of my job. I jutst had a feeling that you of all people are going to appreciate the genius of this show.
In other news, I am booking my ticket this week...WHOO HAAA!!! Hope all is going well. Read "Revolutionary Road". It's a Kym Kelly recommendation and it is GOOD. xx
I feel your pain fellow book reader! WHY????? Jax xo
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