Chuck Norris

I got this email from my sister and have spent past hour re-reading it and laughing. Lots. It's not for everyone's taste, but it's to mine, and guess what? - this is my website so what i think is the only thing that matters.

Subject: FW: you know how you're at work, you're fairly bored, and you suddenly (shamefully) realise you know very little about Chuck Norris...


When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but because he has run out of women.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds till what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure.

Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent

There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.

It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a pirate, but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more pirates to him.

When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."

Those aren't credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger; it is actually a list of people that Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked in the face that day.

If you unscramble the letters in "Chuck Norris" you get "Huck corn,sir."

That is why every fall, Chuck travels to Nebraska and burns the entire state down.

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.

Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the fa ce. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker eve ry second Wednesday of the month.

A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.

Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more "humane".

Chuck Norris often asks people to pull his finger. When they do, he roundhouses them in the abdomen. Then he farts.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was the fact that Hitler did not commit suicide in his bunker, but was in fact tea-bagged to death by Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours. If you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I already lost my virginity." then you are dead

A Proper Update. Sort Of.

Well, its been a while since the last entry and im thinking that perhaps I should add something of a little more substance than normal. OK – im not talking about getting philosophical or anything (impossible for someone who wept the last and only time she saw Extreme Makeover: Home Edition) but im talking about adding more than a few lines apologising for not being more attentive to my blog in recent months.

But it had to happen. It started passionately - a day rarely went by without me writing something or an hour without me mentally composing and six months later it has become the white elephant of my daily internet sessions.

But the question is – am I using my time on the internet more wisely? Well, Yes and No. Today I finally succumbed to those insistent FriendsUnited emails and went back to the website that somehow I randomly joined a number of years ago…

ASIDE: the number of websites out there that have my hotmail address is astounding. I’m something of an email slut - Music. Books. Food. Clothing - Im not picky. I get daily ‘Words of Inspiration’ from some lonely mother of 4 in Idaho who has one of those really pink websites. I get a weekly ‘Wine Report’ updates that began due to some vague attempt to establish something in common with Dave, but then never got read. Hell – Oprah emails me every day. [But that is because I wanted her book club list because I wanted to do a closer study of the exact relationship between book sales and … this is a whole other blog]).

.. so I went back to FriendsUnited and dear god its funny. You get to see what a number of the people you went to school are currently doing. Which I admit is quite sad in a number of ways, but I’ve never been the king of cool, so that’s all good with me. Plus I had just read Ben Elton’s ‘Post Mortem’ (which I advise no-one else does). PLUS - and most honestly -the voyeur in me was interested. So if you have a moment, go and join I say. www.schoolfriends.com.au (drop the .au for anyone not in Oz). Maybe you will find it as funny as I did (all these people trying to be nonchalant about how successful they are…) and if nothing else it’s a pretty good way of finding out people’s emails you may have lost contact with. I will admit, I actually came across the name of a someone I had not seen for years and sent something off. Admittedly it was abuse, but funny abuse… Plus I updated my ‘what im doing’ now. Heh heh.

WELL. Are you all happy with this blog (Han Solo? Hmm?). Aren’t we getting some SUBSTANCE now?

Ummm.. Just re-read it - No would be the answer to that. So I better do something I bit more substance-y

FACTS:
My name is Heather Nicole Anders although I refrain from using my middle name in any document I have control over, so currently only my Passport and my Birth Certificate will give you that information… Well, AND any documents from my early years when I discovered BMX Bandits and I liked to pretend my name was Nicole. Further to that the name ‘Anders’ is apparently not the family’s biological name, with my father’s family changing it sometime in his teens (the 60s). From what, I only have suspicions, as the Roy (father) has only twice told me the true nature of it and both of us were somewhat tipsy at the time. However I am loathe to write my suspicions here for fear of being called more derogatory names than I have already incurred by slobbering over the FriendsUnited website.

I’m currently work for the London Underground as a Business Analyst but I’m yet to figure out what that actually entails, so lets just say sit at a computer. But the people I am working with are lovely and the coffee is good. I am 24 and my birthday is on April 6 and this Christmas I would like some boots because holy fck it is getting cold in London. I have one sister called Olivia and she once told me that ‘Olivia’ is her favourite name and that she wishes she could call her daughter Olivia also (freak.)

WHAT IS HAPPENING IN MY LIFE:
Dave is In India on route to Australia for a few weeks. He returns to London on Christmas eve, whereupon we will have Christmas at our place with 8 similarly displaced Australians (down from 18. Very happy about that). For new Year we are spending a week in Italy (Rome, Naples, Positano) with Rachel (My friend and Dave’s sister) and her husband Rich. In January the lovely Verity will join me for a few days. Excited an dquite nervouse about that. In February I’m going to go home to Adelaide for a week or so, on my way passing through Toronto to hopefully catch up with a number of people I have not seen for 6 years.

And that is it for now. Phew!

Porr little Blogspot

Sorry I am so slack adn have not written in here... well... since forever.

What is new? Well I lost my job and have moved house. It is getting really cold over here now. And Dave has invited 17 people around for Xmas day at our place... even though he does not arrive back from Australia till christmas eve (so no help from him). I am slightly stressed.

I will write more when things get better.