You know you're Australian if...

You know the meaning of ‘girt’;

You believe that stubbies can either be worn or drunk;

You think it is normal to have a Prime Minister called Kevin;

You waddle when you walk due to the 53 expired petrol discount vouchers stuffed in your wallet or purse;

You’ve made a bong out of your garden hose rather than use it for something illegal such as watering the garden;

You understand that the phrase ‘a group of women wearing black thongs’ refers to footwear and may be less alluring than it sounds;

You believe the ‘L’ in the word ‘ Australia is optional;

You can translate: ‘Dazza and Shazza played Acca Dacca on the way to Maccas’;

You believe it makes perfect sense for a nation to decorate its highways with large fibreglass bananas, prawns and sheep;

You call your best friend ‘a total bastard’ but someone you really, truly despise is just ‘a bit of a bastard’;

You think ‘Woolloomooloo’ is a perfectly reasonable name for a place;

You believe it makes sense for a country to have a $1 coin that’s twice as big as its $2 coin;

You understand that ‘Wagga Wagga’ can be abbreviated to ‘Wagga’ but ‘Woy Woy’ can’t be called ‘Woy’;

You believe that cooked-down axlegrease makes a good breakfast spread;

You believe all famous Kiwis are actually Australian, until they stuff up, at which point they again become Kiwis;

You know, whatever the tourist books say, that no one says ‘cobber’;

You still don’t get why the ‘Labor’ in ‘Australian Labor Party’ is not spelt with a ‘u’;

You wear Ugh boots outside the house;

You believe that the more you shorten someone’s name, the more you like them;

Whatever your linguistic skills, you find yourself able to order takeaway fluently in every Asian language;

You understand that ‘excuse me’ can sound rude, while ‘scuse me’ is always polite;

You know what it’s like to swallow a fly, on occasion via your nose;

You understand that ‘you’ has a plural and that it’s ‘youse’;

You know it’s not summer until the steering wheel is too hot to handle;

Your biggest family argument over the summer concerned the rules of beach cricket;

You shake your head in horror when companies try to market what they call ‘Anzac cookies’;

You still think of Kylie as ‘that girl off Neighbours’;

When returning home from overseas, you expect to be brutally strip-searched by Customs - just in case you’re trying to sneak in fruit;

You believe the phrase ‘smart casual’ refers to a pair of black tracky-daks, suitably laundered;

You understand that all train timetables are works of fiction;

When working at a bar, you understand male customers will feel the need to offer an excuse whenever they order low-alcohol beer;

You get choked up with emotion by the first verse of the national anthem and then have trouble remembering the second;

You find yourself ignorant of nearly all the facts deemed essential in the government’s new test for migrants.